I think I am a cat person. I do not bind to people. At least not to specific people. I have a family that is very dear to me, but not even all of them, some of my siblings are further away than friends. And my friends are scattered across Europe. Usually it is a partner in a relationship that stays close to me. It is the commitment that draws me to them, my own ideal of not breaking the trust upon which they build their actions. This I think ist the second strongest bond in my social relationships. Only the connection to my mother, one of my siblings and her kids is of an intensity to make me suffer in case they suffer, to make my happy in case they are. Where I panic if something happens.
This last bond is one of at least unidirectional emotional dependence. It is hard and in many cases impossible to separate myself inside from them and I can’t but identify with their emotions and live through them on in my brain.
In symbolic terms my mother is my grand self. I am an extension of her self, not yet I was able to separate that childlike affection to her. I have a strong care-desire for her, I want to do a lot to put her in a position of comfort. Because inside it is as if I was giving that comfort to myself. She has the moral upper hand. She is the one I turn towards if I need guidance. If I am uncertain, she will be there with knowledge of myself like no other and speak words that integrate into my emotional state, as if she was programming me (not aware of it of course). She is the safe heaven, the last resort, my ticket to freedom. She let me out into this world. She did so on many levels, physically, emotionally. She let me go to around, to break free and she is the one that is capable of accommodating me in case I went to wild and need to go back. She is also the person I at least want to offend. The relationship with the least conflicts. Where aggression does not have place. I am very clearly a subordinate to her. Because she is somewhat the almighty goddess that is endless. She is the oasis of calmness. The shadow in the hot sun, the warm fire in the winter. She is the body that I want to feel close to me in case my life would end.
I can clearly see that this affection is not the base on which I will be able to easily create new relationships or strong bonds with others.
In my sister I see a lot of myself, as a mirror image. From the times of puberty we were close to each other. We went a lot of paths together, our ideas and ideals were very symmetric and ran in a course together to the same end. As if we would stand next to each other, the two legs in the inside bound together, walking in perfect harmony, together, next to each other, with a common leg in the middle that we both rest and rely on, that gives us rhythm, that gives us a drive. Together we were set free by our mother, together we started to fight this society, together we failed. And together we got up again. Where my mother is on a different level of hierarchy my sister is not. She is the one that is the most like me in a sense of our positions in this city, in this country, on this planet. We both struggle, in very different ways, but we both do. I think this might be exactly the reason why we are able to care for each other so much, because where I am weak, she has strength and knowledge. Where she needs support I am there, often with abundance. So together we work as a team with high efficiency. Thinking of a future is always thinking of a future together with her. I do not see my life separated from her life, I can not see that as a possibility. I will go where she goes and I will be with her and part of her life. I want that very much.
My sister is my partner in crime. She is the one that gets the most attention. I can clearly see that this affection is not the base on which I will be able to easily create new relationships or strong bonds with others.
Starting from this two relationships as a foundation to my social life I am looking at all of the other people who are somewhat dear to me, that feel close to me. Why do I nurture them? Why do I put energy into them? What lust is inside me that needs space, which desires are there that search fulfillment?
This is not an easy one to speak out about. Being honest I would say that I am somewhat bored in some kind of way, that I am trying to spend life with interesting people because it amuses me, it educates me. Also I feel that I consume my friends, as in consuming a book, a movie. I watch them and observe them. Some of them are with me since a long time already. There are my other siblings that are at least close enough for regular communication and a shared acceptance of each other, a motivation to inspire each other, to shape each other, to be a point of friction. They know me since my beginning so there is not a lot to clarify in advance. Same goes with long-term friends. Where you do not have to warm up, to do small talk. Where even after some months of disconnection you see each other and end up in an hourly deep talk session. This people are awesome, it feels totally great to know them, but compared to the way I feel merged with my sister and my mother they are like dry leaves on a table with a freshly blooming bouquet of flowers.
One part of me feels comfortable in this situation but one part of me doesn’t. Another conflict inside myself.
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