You have lost yourself, Noah. You gave yourself away.
There is no place like home. Where ever you go, you arrange.
Because there is no place where you can’t fit into. Because you have no form. Because you have lost yourself.
Who do you want to be? Who are you, Noah?
Where did you go? Why did you not stay?
To be clear. To not only be, but be somebody! Where are you, Noah?
I recently read my post from 2015 (To have or not to have) and I was shocked by the timeliness that is it still has today. Reading it, not giving it too many thoughts, I thought I had written it in the beginning of 2018.
One thing instantly rushed to my consciousness: This feeling of not having an identity¹ makes me only feel powerless, but actually it can empower me!
A lot of energy is put into searching and claiming an identity which leaves you less energy to defend the attacks of nature, the state, society and certain individuals. On the other hand, having an identity empowers one to act based on that identity, to judge based on that identity, to view the world and claim a moral ground on that identity.
Claiming an identity is to aquire power. The power of being in a position in a competitive environment. To not be flexible, to not be a subject of change, to be reliable as a competitor, even if you claim to be ‘a lying opportunist nihilist’, you know your identity and the others know your it.
Claiming an identity also means necessarily, that you claim not to be what is excluded from what you claim to be your identity, that you can not and can never be anything else if not claiming a different identity.
I am wrong if I say that I have lost ‘myself’. The only thing that I have lost is the burden of the past. What I gave away was what I thought to be my identity. What others had pushed upon me.
“Noah, you are so adventurous.”
“You are so caring.”
“Noah, you are such an egoistic person!”
“You are lazy!”
“Noah, you are very strong.”
“You hippie!”
“Fucking punk!”
“Noah, you are so creative!”
“You are wrong.”
My reaction to these statements was to incoperate this opinions into a character that I then put as a label “Noah” on my chest, over my heart. This is what made me actually powerless. Handing over to the others the normative power, the exclusive power of defining myself.
Losing what I considered to be myself was actually taking back that power. And refusing to play this game. To say that ‘I do not claim an identity besides being myself’ leaves me only with the ‘myself’² that I necessarily claim to be if I say that sentence. Myself, and only myself I want to be. It is the only thing that I can claim to be.
I remember that when I was a kid I had a similar feeling. I had no use for an identity. I did not define myself. Only in interaction with the environment outside of my family I felt the urge to identify with something. But even equipped with all the individuality and tools to differentiate between me and others I was unable conclude the way I do now.
Whatever one says, I am only myself and I am only the owner of my decisions. On that basis I will answer to myself:
You have found yourself, Noah. You took yourself back.
You are at home now. Where ever you go, you decide.
Because you are at home in your heart. Because you have no form.
Because you claimed only yourself.
Who do you want to be? Who are you? Noah!
Where did you go? Why did you not stay?
To be clear. To not only be, but be yourself! You are back, Noah!
To adress my own privileges I want to add something. Not everyone is accepted in the position they claim. Some people are totally denied to be themselves. For me it is not hard to claim ‘myself’ as my identity, because of course I am a white, male, able-bodied holder of a european passport. I would appreciate if you would point me to someone with less privilege than me speaking about that topic of struggeling to empower oneself through claiming identity.
[¹] I use the following description here: “The condition of being the same with something described or asserted, or of possessing a character claimed” – http://www.websters1913.com/words/Identity
[²] I draw this notion of ‘myself’ (‘der Eigner’) from a book I recently read: Max Stirner: Der Einzige und sein Eigentum, Stuttgart: Reclam 1981