{"id":3851,"date":"2018-04-13T11:43:51","date_gmt":"2018-04-13T11:43:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/noahsmindfuck.wordpress.com\/?p=3851"},"modified":"2018-04-13T11:43:51","modified_gmt":"2018-04-13T11:43:51","slug":"psychoanalysis-of-my-masculinity","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blog.noahessl.com\/?p=3851","title":{"rendered":"Psychoanalysis of my masculinity"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Thinking about myself and with the reflections from my recent surroundings I am more and more interested in analysing myself. With little reading on a broad spectrum, from Freud, Fromm, Adorno and other less known and more progressive thinkers (e.g. <a href=\"https:\/\/queeringpsychoanalysis.wordpress.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Queering Psychoanalysis<\/a>) I am developing a base of knowledge on which I try to get some insight. It is hard to decide whether to start from the beginning, starting from my early childhood or whether to start from my here and now walking back. both will lead me on different paths I guess. For now, connected to the lack of memory of my early childhood I will start at the here and now and walk back, curious about what I might find.<\/p>\n<p>After writing about the relationship to my mother and my sister it is obvious where to start with my approach.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/noahsmindfuck.wordpress.com\/2018\/04\/10\/the-elusiveness-of-familistic-love\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">I am deeply in love with my mother.<\/a> I am looking for romantic relationships to compensate that and to cut the cord but I do not even have the possibility for that in relationships, because it is the wrong place to look, I will not find a 30-year long prepared and kept relationship in a romantic partner that is of the intimacy of my relationship to my mother. Not only because I do not find the right person, but because I know that it is impossible and the realm of romantic love is for hierarchically flat relationships in contrast to the high moral authority that I project into my mother.<\/li>\n<li>This strong relationship to my mother is, I believe, because she has a very special position from the very beginning of my life. Due to the trauma of witnessing my father hurting my mother and my family, him abandoning us, I blurred all memories of him, removed him from my hard drive. I can not recall his voice, I can not recall his odor, his tenderness or his strictness. I can not recall his behaviour towards my mother, his love or how he inspired me and my siblings. Although my mother told me, that he was doing all that. That is a major problem and a root to most of the difficulties that face.<\/li>\n<li>The masculinity that I could have learned from him, the male figure that he could have been, I did not allow him to be that person. I could not even think of identifying with a person that brings so much harm.<br \/>\nI acquire parts of my masculinity from the masculine sides of my mother and through that she became both, the father and the mother. Since she is still a woman my idea of masculinity is a very feminine, minor form of it. I identify much more with anything female and my male friends are usually strange for me to witness, since I do not understand their masculinity and see it as something childish.<\/li>\n<li>Not having acquired the skill to transform the masculine energy that was seeded by my father in my early years (he left when I was six) this energy rose and once the pot was full, in the right moment of puberty, spilled, unleashing a destructive force that led to years of consumption of mind-altering (mostly alcohol due to access) substances, bringing confusion and misunderstanding into my personality that took years to recover from.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>With me not being able to act out my masculinity I am using 3 vents:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Lust. I still have <a href=\"https:\/\/noahsmindfuck.wordpress.com\/2018\/03\/20\/im-so-fcking-male-03\/\">a strong heterosexual drive to have sex with women<\/a> and besides a curiosity no sexual fantasies of men. After some time this lust for one women declines and the lust for any other, new woman arises.<\/li>\n<li>Adrenaline\/Adventure. I am engaging in many activities, many of them involve physical action and my body, where I prove myself to &#8211; myself. I have a strong desire for going through extremes, on a physical but also on a social level. Doing things that are hard (besides working my ass off to destroy my body just for the money).<\/li>\n<li>Depression. In moments where none of the two other things mentioned are in reach or I am mentally weak and exhausted I drift into depression. It is a space where I deny myself any humanity in generall and well, am just depressed.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Writing this I figured that I have to dig more into this father topic. Search for my early childhood. Find this father, confront him and most propably I have to forgive him for what he did to open that knot that keeps me from seeing him.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What does it mean to love your mother? What does it mean to not have a father? How does my past shape my presence, how does my presence shape my future?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4831,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[17,3,4],"tags":[88,107,201,355,371,390,447,473,511,592],"class_list":["post-3851","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-deep-to-the-core","category-english","category-noahs-brains","tag-break-up","tag-child","tag-father","tag-love","tag-masculinity","tag-mother","tag-psychoanalysis","tag-relationship","tag-sex","tag-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.noahessl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3851","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.noahessl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.noahessl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.noahessl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.noahessl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3851"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/blog.noahessl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3851\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.noahessl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/4831"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.noahessl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3851"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.noahessl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3851"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.noahessl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3851"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}