{"id":3805,"date":"2018-03-19T16:00:50","date_gmt":"2018-03-19T16:00:50","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/noahsmindfuck.wordpress.com\/?p=3805"},"modified":"2018-03-19T16:00:50","modified_gmt":"2018-03-19T16:00:50","slug":"im-so-fcking-male-02","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blog.noahessl.com\/?p=3805","title":{"rendered":"I’m so f*cking male – 02"},"content":{"rendered":"

I\u2019m so f*cking male \u2013 Part 1<\/a><\/p>\n

Even if I would try, I could not count the number of times that we sat together and talked. Our intellectual connection is a fruitful tree that grows stronger every time we water it, and we do that a lot. So very close is this connection that we both declare, that we will invest in that tree. That we will nurture it. That we will enjoy the fruits and go through hardship of carrying water a long way if there is a draught.<\/p>\n

The feeling of love is flushing through our bodies from time to time. It is not a dramaturgic ideal that we live. Not all the time life lets us live the way we want it and struggle seems to be a companion of both of our lives. But we have each other. We rely on each other. We trust each other.<\/p>\n

What does that have to do with gender?<\/p>\n

There comes the big draught. There comes the dry summer. There comes the dying tree. There comes pain and suffering. What do I do? It feels like I work myself off. I have the impression of burning myself out. I want to go to extremes, to save that band that connects us. But my action does not lead to safety. You do not see myself working. You do not see me burning. Too much I am only searching to protect my own well-being. I seem to have forgotten about you. In this challenging situation, at least after enough time that it becomes challenging to me, I drop you.<\/p>\n

The sirens are shouting: “Alarm, alarm!”. Your precious, your precious. The acknowledgement of me being a desired partner is under attack. Chains rattling, planks are creaking, feet are stomping on the ground.
\n“Pull up the bridge, shut down the gate!”
\n“Raise the walls! Raise the walls!”
\nAnd there I go. Up, into the sky, looking down to you from far away. You can not touch me anymore.<\/p>\n

What does that have to do with gender?<\/p>\n

You look at me. You wonder. This moment ago I was there, and now you physically feel me fading. You can actually feel it. You ask me: “What the f*ck is going on?”
\nAnd I am to afraid to talk. I am to afraid to open myself. Afraid to show how impotent, how powerless I feel.<\/p>\n

Where I had pain and sadness in my chest a cool and stiff feeling on discomfort remains. I am crystal clear. My analytical intelligence is on attentive mode. My emotional intelligence ran away with my human part. I am the wall. I am the fortress, the stronghold of my angsty inner self, crippling in fear in a corner of my depths. Screaming and crying. I am cold. And I do not care about you anymore until my fear is gone. Nothing can touch me here. I am in control again.<\/p>\n

What I say: “I am not sorry. I don’t feel anything at that time. I do not ask for forgiveness, you must not excuse my behavior.”<\/p>\n

And what I can not say is: “I ran away from you. I took myself from you. I cut off that band. I dropped the water bucket. I burned the tree.<\/p>\n

I’m so f*cking male.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m so f*cking male \u2013 Part 3<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In denial of myself I am reflecting on my own male identity.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3811,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[17,3,4],"tags":[113,119,180,371,473,629],"class_list":["post-3805","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-deep-to-the-core","category-english","category-noahs-brains","tag-closing","tag-conflict","tag-emotions","tag-masculinity","tag-relationship","tag-walls"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.noahessl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3805","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.noahessl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.noahessl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.noahessl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.noahessl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3805"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/blog.noahessl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3805\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.noahessl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/3811"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.noahessl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3805"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.noahessl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3805"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.noahessl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3805"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}